It's been almost 6 weeks since I started back to work. I still work 1/2 day from home, but the rest of the time I am in the office or on the road. It's a very busy season in my line of work as we gear up for conferences, mission trips, and summer events. After maternity leave, I hit the ground running.
People ask me often how the transition has been. Thankfully, we have exceptional childcare and I am more than confident that Wesley is in the best of care when I am at work. He is always with our nanny or Jarrod - I can call or text anytime and see a picture of Wesley's smiling face. I adore my job and am so thankful for the opportunity to work in a job that allows me to work in my passion. That has made the transition "easy."
I know I have it really good.
And yet, it's so hard. When I'm at work I miss my little man, feel guilty for not being there for him, and am often conflicted. I spend an hour out of my day pumping so that I can maintain my milk supply and continue Wesley's diet of exclusively breast milk. When I work from home I have trouble putting him down in order to work and answering the phone is very challenging. I am constantly conflicted - unable to fully focus on my job and unable to fully focus on my son.
I feel guilty for loving my work and I feel guilty for needing time with my little guy. I feel especially guilty because I do not NEED to work. Jarrod and I could live on one income. I could stay home with Wesley. In some ways I feel like I SHOULD stay home with Wesley. In most ways, however, I feel like I am called to work.
Many days I feel like I am doing everything poorly and nothing well. I feel exhausted. For the first time in my life my bed isn't made, I don't fix my hair, my house isn't clean, and I am literally flying by the seat of my pants in most areas of my life.
In order to maintain my emotional stability and physical health, I've started walking in the mornings. Previously I'd walk in the evenings after work. I never had time to go quite as far as I'd like. Now I'm getting up at 6am to walk for an hour before frantically feeding Wesley, showering, and rushing off to work. It's chaotic, but delightful. I walk about 4 miles before the sun is up. It's beautiful and peaceful. It's early and rushed, but perfection.
How do you find balance in your life? How do you focus on one thing at a time to be sure you're doing things well?