Daycare baby

For the first 6 months or so of Wesley's life, he was cared for by Jarrod, myself, and a fantastic nanny. We knew we didn't want to send our little one to daycare unless we had to. We didn't even explore daycare options when I was pregnant because I knew I wanted him at home. Thankfully, our flexible schedules and great timing led us to a nanny angel. She loved our boy and took care of him just like we would. When the tornadoes hit and sirens went off, she gathered our zoo and kept Wesley safe in the bathtub. She was an absolute godsend.

Our nanny was way overqualified and one day she got a job. While we were all super excited, we were also sad to lose her. She had become part of our family (and has remained so!). We began researching daycares with very little time to hem and haw. A member of our church owns her own daycare very close to Jarrod's office. Jarrod took a tour and fell in love. I wasn't sure, but after visiting, I knew we'd found a winner.

I cried for about an hour the day Wesley started daycare. I left for work before Jarrod and Wesley did, which was definitely good. I knew I'd never be able to leave him at daycare that first day, so it is good that Jarrod takes him. During the day I received several pictures and text messages from the owner letting me know how Wesley was doing. One of the pictures showed Wesley sitting at the front desk - day one and he's already running the place! I was thrilled.

I picked Wesley up that day and knew we'd made the right choice. Everyone I met was delightful. Wesley was so happy. He gets a little report card each day, telling us when he ate, when he pooped, etc. It also tells us if he was happy, busy, cooperative, fussy, or quiet. Wesley is always happy and busy. Once he was cooperative. It was awesome.

I am thrilled that Wesley is well cared for. I am excited that he brings joy and happiness to the folks who work at his daycare. I love that he's social and gets to interact with other babies. I am especially excited with the incredible diversity at his daycare. Only 20% of Wesley's class is white, and that includes Wesley. His teachers are foreign and teach us so much. It's exactly the experience I want him to have.

Of course I am incredibly thankful for a wonderful, responsible, and helpful husband. I'm thankful for a wonderful job that I completely adore. I'm thankful for fantastic childcare options and so many people who love my boy. I'm thankful for an adaptable boy who is comfortable around lots of people.

BUT

You knew there was a but.

I hate that my baby is in daycare. I hate that I am not there to feed him, teach him baby sign language, and play with him all day. I hurt to think that he's doing something for the first time without me seeing it. I feel so guilty that he's not with me. I feel even more guilty that Jarrod is the one who takes him and picks him up more often than not. He's with Jarrod more than he's with me and it makes me so sad.


I feel guilt every second of the day because I'm not with him. I feel guilty when I am with him and need to put him down. Or better yet, when he's annoying me. Being away from Wesley during the day definitely makes me appreciate our time together even more, but there are definitely times when he frustrates me.

In a perfect world, I'd spend nothing but quality time with my kid, do great work at my job without worrying, wondering, or feeling guilty, and be relaxed all the time. In reality, I feel split in half all the time, which means I'm only doing mediocre at any given moment.

Thankfully, the pros FAR outweigh the cons. Likewise, it's not forever. Someday he'll be in preschool or regular school and that will be a whole new ballgame. I can't imagine not working, but it's beautiful to have the option. If I wanted to stay home, we'd find a way. I adore my job and I am so blessed.

Being a mom is so hard but the most wonderful, beautiful, and fantastic thing I've ever done.

What's the hardest part of being a mom? What is the best? Or what do you most look forward to about being a mom?