I'm not the best mom, but most of the time I feel like I'm doing okay. I have moments where I really feel like I'm winning and moments where I feel like a complete failure. Last week I had a moment of complete failure.
I had a very busy week of work last week. I worked late a lot and missed my boys. On Wednesdays I pick Wesley up from daycare. While the school is open until 6:30pm, I try to get there before 5pm. This means leaving work early...which means I need to get a lot of work done so that I'm ready to leave early. Last Wednesday it was pouring rain. I finished up my work and headed towards Wesley around 4:30pm. I was scheduled (via my GPS) to arrive around 5:15pm.
Traffic was completely awful. My GPS has traffic updates, but didn't update with any detours even though the highway was at a standstill. I started to get very anxious. I hated Wesley being at daycare any longer than he had to be. I hated that I was missing my time with him. Instead of playing, I was sitting in traffic. The later it got, the more anxious I got.
I called Jarrod crying about 3 times while I drove. I was being dramatic. I was very frustrated.
I finally (FINALLY!) arrived at the daycare after 6pm. It took me over 90 minutes to go 25 miles. But that's not the worst part.
The worst part was entering Wesley's classroom and realizing that all the other babies were gone. His bag was packed and he was sitting on the carpet with one teacher playing with blocks. I was embarrassed and so sad. Wesley had no idea - he was happy as can be, playing and making music. Thankfully, I held it together until we got to the car. As soon as I opened the door to the car to get him buckled in his seat, I completely lost it.
I cried to Wesley, apologizing for being late. I cried tears of frustration. I cried because I missed time with my boy. I cried the whole way home but then put the tears behind me and enjoyed time with Wesley. We played, cuddled, ate dinner, and had a blast. I tried to keep him up a little later than normal to soak up every single moment with him...but by 7:05pm he crashed and almost fell asleep on the floor while we were playing!
It's difficult - I adore my job and I adore time with my family. I feel torn a lot of the time, but I do my best to live in the moment and enjoy the time that I have. I do my best to really savor time - except time stuck in traffic! In retrospect, I'd be a much better mom if I'd used my time stuck in traffic in prayer, singing to the radio, or contemplating life...rather than being frustrated and anxious!
How do you snap out of feeling like a failure? What do you do to center yourself or calm down after a difficult day?